From the recording The Telephone Conman and the Wizard
The Telephone Conman and the Wizard
Some songs emerge from prayer. Some emerge from meditation.
And some emerge from a telephone scammer having the misfortune of calling the wrong person.
This song was inspired by a very real phone call I received one afternoon from a predatory overseas calling center. As the young man on the other end of the line began working through his carefully prepared script, I found myself seized by one of those creative impulses that occasionally arrive without warning.
Rather than ending the call, I decided to introduce him to Mortimer the Brown, one of North America's great Wizards.
For the next several minutes, the young caller learned that he had accidentally interrupted a member of the Great Wizard Confluence Constabulary, a wizard with very little patience for those who prey upon the elderly. The lesson concluded with Mortimer placing a small but highly educational curse upon the young man, one designed to ensure that every dishonest act would eventually come back to visit its creator.
As I finally hung up the telephone, the young man's last words were a sincerely panicked:
"WAIT... NO..."
The Telephone Conman and the Wizard transforms that memorable encounter into a humorous neo-folk Americana ballad filled with wizardry, cosmic comedy, redemption, and unexpected wisdom. Beneath the laughter lies an old truth shared by the world's great spiritual traditions: every action carries consequences, every soul is capable of change, and sometimes the universe teaches its most important lessons through the most unexpected encounters.
Part tall tale, part folk legend, and part spiritual fable, this song celebrates the possibility that conscience may be the greatest magic of all.
After all, wizards are patient.
Consequences are even more patient.
Lyrics
The Telephone Conman and the Wizard
(Humorous Neo-Folk / Americana Ballad)
[Verse 1]
Three in the mornin' in a call center glow,
Coffee gone stale and nowhere to go,
A young man was dialin' numbers for pay,
Lookin' for somebody easy that day.
He had a script and a practiced smile,
Been workin' his schemes for quite a while,
He figured some grandpa would answer the line,
And his luck would finally shine.
[Chorus]
Oh Lord, the universe has a sense of humor,
The stars still laugh when they get the chance,
Of all the telephones in all creation,
He accidentally called a wizard by chance.
Not just a wizard, not just any Brown,
He called old Mortimer of San Diego town,
And the heavens whispered,
"Son, you're in trouble now."
[Verse 2]
Mortimer Brown was takin' it slow,
Fresh from a walk where the palm trees grow,
Two hundred years and some change besides,
Still joggin' three miles with a youthful stride.
The council complained he was reckless and wild,
Teachin' meditation like an overgrown child,
One elder wizard was heard to say,
"He's helpin' folks for free again today."
[Verse 3]
"Am I speakin' to Mr. Hendricks?" he said,
Mortimer smiled and shook his head,
"No sir, friend, you've got it wrong,
You've reached Mortimer the Brown."
The young man chuckled,
The wizard sighed,
For Mortimer saw what he tried to hide,
Every crooked intention
On the other side.
[Chorus]
Oh Lord, the universe has a sense of humor,
The stars still laugh when they get the chance,
Of all the telephones in all creation,
He called a wizard by chance.
Not just a wizard, not just any Brown,
He called old Mortimer of San Diego town,
And the heavens whispered,
"Son, you're in trouble now."
[Verse 4]
Then Mortimer muttered a spell real small,
And thousands of miles from the wizard's call,
The young man's arm said, "I quit today,"
And his neck and his legs did the very same way.
He couldn't move,
He couldn't scratch,
Couldn't even adjust his hat,
And Mortimer grinned and calmly said,
"Now we're finally gettin' somewhere, my friend."
[Verse 5]
Then came a vision,
A sorrowful thing,
Of widows and grandmothers wearin' wedding rings,
He felt their worry,
Their sleepless nights,
He felt the tears they hid from sight.
But the thing that struck him
Straight through the soul,
Was the forgiveness they still chose to show,
And for the first time in many years,
The young man cried.
[Bridge]
"What do you want from me?" he said.
Mortimer answered,
"Nothing."
"No money?"
"Nothing."
"No worship?"
"Nothing."
"No paperwork?"
"Good heavens, no."
[Verse 6]
Then the room grew heavy,
The shadows grew tall,
Like ancient mountains had entered the call,
"I place upon you the Mark of Reflection."
The young man squeaked,
"A curse?"
And Mortimer chuckled,
"A very small curse.
Educational, mostly."
"If you spread fear,
You'll feel it too.
If you spread confusion,
It comes back to you.
If you steal hope,
Hope leaves your heart.
Live honestly,
And it'll all depart."
[bridge]
Weeks rolled by and the seasons turned,
And the lesson lingered where the fire had burned,
More than once he reached for an easy lie,
More than once he heard an old voice reply:
"Every heart's a treasure,
Every soul's a flame,
And the road you're walkin'
Shapes the man you'll become."
So he set down deception,
And he chose a different way,
One honest step at a time,
One brighter day.
[Final Chorus]
Oh Lord, the universe has a sense of humor,
The stars still laugh when they get the chance,
Of all the telephones in all creation,
He called a wizard by chance.
Not just a wizard, not just any Brown,
He called old Mortimer of San Diego town,
And somewhere deep inside his heart
He finally understood.
[Outro]
Now whenever temptation comes knockin' once more,
He remembers that telephone call from before,
And a voice rolls in like distant thunder somehow:
"Choose wisely, young man.
Wizards are patient.
Consequences are even more."
And he hangs up the phone
Before foolishness answers now.